Once your child has created a balanced list of colleges to apply to, they’ll likely have many essays to write between the personal statement and various school supplements. If you’re thinking your child might need some help, what’s the best role for you to play? How can you most effectively support them?
Many adolescents need space, but they’re also facing a large and unfamiliar task: The personal statement is a different form of writing from what they’ve likely covered in school.
You might wonder whether any amount of help constitutes some form of cheating or plagiarism, or maybe you worry because your child really needs to develop more writing skills. Honoring their boundaries while providing necessary assistance is a fine line to walk.
There is a Goldilocks Zone here, one that honors your child’s independence and academic integrity while improving their chance of acceptance to college. We also think that, if approached well, the application and writing process offers an opportunity to grow closer with your teen.
To that end, here are 7 important tips to help your child with their college essays.
And if your child is a first-generation college applicant, check out our resources, including this podcast.
Learn what the college essay is and is not
The personal statement is a unique task. It’s a good bet this essay is unlike anything your child has written before. Depending on the prompt, it is often a blend of creative nonfiction (memoir) and persuasive writing (evidence-based argumentation).
The personal statement isn’t supposed to sound formal and academic, like the (stereo)typical five-paragraph essay. Strong analytical writing in AP English courses doesn’t necessarily translate here. Nor is the personal statement supposed to be a list of accomplishments, like a résumé. There’s the Activities List for that, and we’ve got an in-depth guide for you here.
Instead, the personal statement’s job is to show a college who a student is and what they value, to give the school a sense of how this person fits their campus and community. This essay and any supplemental ones your child writes should sound authentic, vivid, and compelling. They can be more conversational in tone, and personal and creative in approach, as though your child were in the room answering questions from an admission officer. This task is much more like memoir meets argument meets poetry. It requires good storytelling. More on that below.
Knowing your child is about to attempt something new can help you sympathize while staying curious throughout the process. Understanding the personal statement’s purpose and how it differs from other forms of writing can help you be a more effective sounding board for your child, while maintaining their sense of autonomy and integrity.
For more, here’s a resource to get familiar with the specs of the Personal Statement and some great tips for getting started.
Want to quiz yourself after reading?
What are two helpful structures for writing a Personal Statement?
What are some helpful brainstorming exercises to find good details and stories?
And here’s a resource to get familiar with the expectations of supplemental essays.
Want to quiz yourself after reading?
What are the most common supplemental essay prompts?
How can your child combine essay prompts and save a lot of time? (As in, hours and hours—so if you didn’t read through that guide, please do so.)
Find out what your child already knows about the writing process, especially the time involved. Assist with the planning.
Knowing the scope of the work can transform what seems intimidating into manageable bits. And when it comes to writing well about one’s identity, students need more than a couple weekends to get perspective and distance so they can revise well.
To write a strong personal statement plus a few supplemental essays, the average student frequently spends at least five to seven hours per week for at least six to eight weeks. Increase the list of schools, and your child will need more time.
Life Skills Alert! You probably already noticed, but this is a great opportunity to coach some adulting: time management skills. Whether it’s collaborating on a calendar or checking in once a week to talk about progress, consider yourself the supportive coach.
Discuss these questions with your child:
How much time does your counselor, teacher, or coach think the essay writing process will take? (Be sure to distinguish this task from the process of writing the Activities List or getting recommendation letters.)
How long do you think this process will take?
How long does it typically take you to write the longest essay you’ve written for school?
How many drafts do you usually do when writing a longer essay?
How much revision? Do you think this task might need more revision than you’re used to? (Each essay your child writes should ideally have five to seven drafts—that’s likely different from how much they’ve revised other kinds of essays.)
How many weeks do you want this process to take?
What will be your weekly and monthly goals? (Here’s a breakdown of what should ideally be happening during junior and senior year.)
Do you have a time and place every week to focus exclusively on this task?
How can I support you in making this scheduling happen?
Approach any conversation about the process with a focused yet arm’s-length mindset.
By focused, we mean ask questions to learn and determine what your child knows, needs to figure out, and wants to learn. Maintain a learner’s curious mindset as you ask questions.
Genuine curiosity and true detachment–we know this last bit is hard!–can help create a lower-stakes conversation and relax your child. If you’re leaning forward a little too much, pressing for answers or sounding intense because wouldn’t we all like to get this off our plates, you know how your child will probably react. Remember your goal is to keep the communication lines open throughout the process.
Wander down Memory Lane and have some fun
Remember what we said earlier about storytelling being the root of good college essays? Here’s where you can try something fun and that can bring you closer while also being helpful with generating essay content.
One approach: find the “just-right” bowl of cuisine to inspire good conversation while you wander down Memory Lane together.
Why food? Because food not only brings us together, but can also spark joy and calm. It can provide a safe space for sharing. If this process needs anything, it’s a few deep breaths and some smiles.
In their documentary A Taste Like Memory, filmmakers Michael and Cindy Salerno connect family food rituals to their family’s values and history. In the trailer, you’ll hear them and their siblings say, “That smells just like home,” or, “You never got that chore!” or mention“the old ways.” The personality of individuals and the family comes through in little lines and comments. Like a documentary, your child’s personal statement is essentially making a cinematic portrait, a documentary of self, scenes to help readers visualize the writer.
Remember, colleges are not looking for a simple list of accomplishments in a personal statement—they generally get that from things like transcripts and the Activities List. Instead, they want to know who they will be admitting: who that person will be in class, in dorms, on teams, and in study abroad programs (and that’s not just our opinion—that’s how Reed College has put it). Part of that, as College Essay Guy counselor Susan Tree says, is character: personality, personhood, voice, and that student’s truth. The personal memories you wander through together can help your child start thinking about key scenes that illustrate their values and experiences.
To make one’s personality, individuality, and character come alive in writing, one needs to get at least a little vulnerable. What snapshots of self—activities, moments, memories—might be great anecdotes to integrate in a compelling personal statement or to kick off a powerful supplemental essay? One way to find out is to start reminiscing.
Consider making a favorite meal together, going out to a favorite place, or getting some favorite takeout to spark memories. Casual inquiries can get stories flowing.
Hey, do you remember when we…
What did you love about that?
What did you know about yourself back then?
Do you ever compare yourself to now?
What comes up for you when you do that?
Share your answers to these questions, too.
Try to refrain, however, from suggesting that a certain anecdote be placed in an essay, unless your child is eager to talk about the writing process. You might wait until later to make that suggestion, particularly if your child seemed excited by the memory and if it relates to the overall topic and values being expressed. For now, just help them start exploring.
Side Note: We’ve actually seen essays where college applicants used food as a thematic thread for storytelling in the personal statement. For example, Grandma’s Kimchi or the Kombucha Club essay.
And you can find more information on the montage structure for an essay here.
Discuss and clarify values to guide your child’s brainstorming process
Your child’s values are the cornerstone of their essay and application.
One highly-effective essay structure that can be used to illustrate your child’s values is the montage structure—an approach that uses a thematic thread or lens to connect seemingly disparate moments or experiences to demonstrate core values. To learn more about montage structure and read a sample essay, check out that link.
One key to a strong personal statement is to demonstrate insight. This ability to be reflective, to “go meta” on your life, signals to a college a student’s intellectual depth and curiosity. You can help your child cultivate deeper, more insightful thinking about their values through casual conversation.
What have they learned from their experiences? How have their values changed? How do they see things differently than they used to?
And we’d highly recommend encouraging them to share by modeling these things yourself—how would you answer those questions? Conversation can help them clarify what they wish to say about themselves to college.
Also, many professional authors know a secret: there’s tremendous power in test driving your ideas by talking them out and running them by others. Author Cory McCarthy throws a “plot party” with other young adult authors when planning out their next novel. Some writers prefer to “write on air” (author Pat Schneider)—speak first before before committing too much to a page.
Cultivate active listening as you hear your child’s ideas. If you’re not sure whether you know how to listen actively, check out these active listening tips.
If you share and express your own vulnerability, your child might be more likely to open up. That’s why you get to share in some of these activities below.
Do the Values exercise together and have a conversation about everyone’s Top Five Values
What instilled them in you?
How have you pursued or expressed them?
Take turns asking your child, and then let them ask you
What is something you do now that shows that value?
What is something you used to do that shows that value?
Why is that value interesting or important to you?
Ask your child if they’re willing to do the Everything I Want Colleges to Know About Me activity and share with you.
Ask, How does this show what you might value or seek in a school?
Hang out with your child while they surf the websites of their top colleges. Ask them to pinpoint the values the school seems to embrace. Point them to the About page, to mission statements, and to any other pages that use language that demonstrates the school’s values.
Need some examples of reflection? Here are some insights other students have discovered in the process of writing and thinking about their lives. What conclusions and connections can your child make?
After your child writes an early draft and seeks help, offer hands-off, global feedback
Writing well means writing several drafts. Writing well means keeping an attitude of discovery and experimentation throughout the process. Here’s a way you can encourage your child to keep working and taking risks.
If you get enthusiastic about their early efforts, they’ll be more likely to keep trying and developing insights.
Has your child included highly-specific details that illustrate values and insight? Is your child expressing themselves with honesty and vulnerability? Has your child made interesting, less common connections? Is your child portraying who they are on the page?
These are all signs of skill sets in development. Encourage your child to keep going in those directions. If you keep a relaxed tone and look for what’s already working, you can initiate a positive back-and-forth. What can you celebrate in their early drafts? Every little victory counts in what can often be a stressful process for students, who struggle to imagine what the audience of strangers will think of them.
That doesn’t mean lie to them. Instead, find ways to help them cultivate a process-oriented attitude toward writing that will stay with them and help with college and professional writing.
Early on, don’t worry about smaller stuff like grammar and mechanics. Instead, help them think big picture by focusing on structure (as in, montage or narrative) and content. Two big areas to develop are details and insights. This is where what we call global feedback–the topics above is particularly helpful.
If you see details are vague or uninteresting, don’t worry yet. Help them focus on what they’re doing well, and how they can continue to strengthen those elements. A great move in the early stages of writing is to make sure your student has lots of models of what’s already worked.
To that end, check out these 27 outstanding college essay examples, and share them with your child. Then, have a conversation about what makes the details uncommon and interesting, what makes the person’s values clear, and what makes the person come alive on the page.
Focus on word count and grammar at the end of the process
You can be very helpful with grammar and word count when your child is in the final phases of writing, maybe a few weeks before a deadline. Until then, you shouldn’t mention spelling, or syntax, or errors. You shouldn’t ask your child to work within word count. In fact, it’s best to encourage your child to write beyond word count until they really have all their ideas and details expressed.
Focusing on word count and grammar and mechanics in the early stages distracts from what actually makes for strong writing: clear structure, vivid details, values, and insight.
Once those elements are close to set, you can support your child’s grammar and formatting check by noting mistakes and pointing your child to this Formatting & Style Guide.
If you have questions about sentence structure and how to improve sentence variety, check out Grammarly’s tips on sentence structure. Also consider The Art of Styling Sentences, a great guide to creating sentence variety.
Grammar and syntax coaching from the sidelines, such as explaining why that semicolon or comma doesn’t go there while inviting your child to correct it—that’s a perfect instance of just-right help. The ultimate goal is that your child heads to college knowing how to address errors on their own.
Rely on a village of resources—digital and human—from experts in writing
By now you might be used to seeing your teen seek role models and advice outside of the family. It’s really okay to hand this whole process off to somebody else.
You can connect your child with great resources. Never underestimate the power of a brief conversation with another adult, the connection with a talented peer, or the support of digital resources. These small interactions and reads can grow your child’s writing by leaps and bounds.
Who in your community might be able to advise as a writing coach? Here are some pros and cons of working with an essay coach. CEG also has some great step-by-step tips for a self-guided walk through the whole college essay writing process.Consider sending your child to the How to Write a Personal Statement Course.
Find other tasks where your skill sets are a great match. In 20 Ways Parents Can Support Children Applying to College, you might find your just-right area of support. And we have more at Parent Resources here.
If your child keeps you at arm’s length, you probably already know it’s all part of an important developmental stage. As your child explores their identity, establishes boundaries and healthy space, and makes new connections, their writing will benefit, too. If someone else has to step in, you didn’t drop the ball. Know that this is a wise move of outsourcing.
Every family and child is unique, so know that only you and your child can define the just-right type of support.
Written by Lyn Fairchild Hawks, founder of Success Story essay consulting. Lyn is a graduate of Stanford University and the Vermont College of Fine Arts program in Writing for Children and Young Adults. She loves helping students tell cinematic, insightful stories. She is also the author of young adult novels, short stories, and books for educators, including lessons for teaching Shakespeare. For 15 years she designed and ran online programs for gifted youth at Duke University and prior to that, served as a high school and middle school English teacher. She lives in Chapel Hill, NC.
